Dear Pastor,

I am a regular reader of your column in the Star. I need your advice as soon as possible, please. I am with my husband for nine years. We got married in 2008. Everything was great before we got married. We went out of the town and country.

One day when I was not at home he brought his female friend to the house. It happened that I did not go home that time but I do not trust him and that girl together. He said that the girl has a man but that would not stop another man to have relations with a woman. Whenever she is going out, he drops her. I asked him what happened to her boyfriend and he said he is at work so he cannot pick her up. When my husband is home, he is on his phone 24/7, I think it is with her. Whenever we curse, he is quick to tell her, so she knows a lot about me.

One day he asked me for a divorce, but I do not believe in divorce. I do not want a divorce. I know if someone falls out of love with you, you cannot force them to love you. I think he has a lot of woman out there because when he gets his pay, I don't see a dime. He will pay the bills for the house and buy the food, but he doesn't give me any money for myself. Two weeks after he gets his pay, it is finished.

Some of his friends like me. One of them said that he sees that I am a good woman and he will treat me like a queen. He doesn't know about it. I told him that I have a husband, but he says anytime I am ready. His friends spoke to him but he is hard headed. We do not have sex anymore. He is always too sleepy to have sex. One night he told me to play with myself, so I got a dildo but I am not enjoying it. I want my husband.

Pastor, I have never cheated on him and trust me I had to tell a lot of men no just because I take my vows seriously. I am not working now so I am home all day and night.

Sometimes he comes home in the morning and curses about his dinner. I think he is coming from his woman's house. I asked him and he said he was coming from work.

If he wants a divorce, how long would it take? What happens if one person wants it and the other doesn't? I love this man with all my heart and soul. Sometimes he says he loves me and sometimes he cannot stand me. Counselling did not help us, it just got worse.

Do you think I should just give him the divorce he wants? Please answer me soon. I am so hurt. I wash, cook and clean for this man.

Confused Wife

Dear Confused Wife,

I wish you had said more about the counselling you had. When people say counselling hasn't worked, they thought that going to see a counsellor once a miracle would take place and all will be well. That rarely happens.

Then, there are couples who go for counselling and never carry out the instructions or suggestions from the counsellors and then they say that the counselling never worked. If people are determined to change and to admit their faults and are determined to stay together, their marriage will work. But when a wife or husband is determined to move on, the marriage will indeed crash.

From what you have written, your husband is not interested in this marriage. It probably suits him to be with you for the time being, but he does not care about you. You may try to meet with another counsellor, if your husband agrees. But in the mean time, it would be wise for you to begin to plan your future without him.

A lawyer can answer your questions on the matter of divorce.

Pastor