Dear Pastor,

I have been toying with the idea of writing to you. I hope you are well also. My problem begins with the man I went to live with at 18. He is physically, emotionally and verbally abusive to me. I stuck with him for 10 years because I had a child for him and I could not maintain that child on my own. And when I got a job, he made sure I lost it or he made me leave it. He had me under his power so much that I tried to kill myself.

He never took any blame for the problems we had. He just beat me or choke me to unconsciousness. Two years ago when he went abroad, I got a job working in a store. By this time I had moved my belongings to my mother's house. I didn't take anything from the house only my clothes and the baby's clothes. I was still staying at the house though.

I met a man at the store. He works for a prominent company in Jamaica. We started texting and then talking on the phone. I fell hard for this man as I was so starved for affection and love. I thought of him as my Prince Charming. He told me he was having problems with his girlfriend and he lived with his parents. He is 37 and he has three kids but not with his girlfriend. Anyway, I pushed the relationship and we started having sex. My babyfather found out about him so he stopped maintaining his child.

The guy I am seeing can only give me $3,000 a month, so I had a real problem of taking care of my child. I kept seeing him. I would even pay for the hotel. Pastor, I put up with his girl until he left her or so he said. We have been together for almost three years now. I don't know his mother or father. I can't go to the house unless they are not there and I don't know any of his kids or friends. We have never been on a date together. All we do is have sex and he is very rough about it. And then he wants me to promise not to leave him. And he talks about our living together and getting married, but I don't think he is for real. He texts me at times to say he loves me but mostly I text or call him.

He doesn't keep promises and gets mad at me if I complain about him not spending time with me, but at the same time if his friends call him to go out he can go. I was trying to borrow $30,000 from him to start a business so I could help myself and he said he would, but that was a year ago and I have not got it. Since then he has lent numerous persons thousands of dollars.

In October of last year, my childhood sweetheart came back into my life. He lives abroad. We talked as friends and we are not sexually involved. He called me last month and asked me to marry him and I said yes.

Pastor, please tell me if I am wrong to have said yes and how do I end the relationship with this man without hurting him too badly? It hurts to know that I don't know anyone related to him. I am a secret.

Confused Lover

Dear Confused Lover,

I understand why you wanted to end the relationship with your child's father. He was abusive and he could have killed you. You moved your clothes out of his house but you are still living there. Why are you still there?

You are now having a relationship with your co-worker, but you are only making yourself a fool. Whenever you all want to have sex, he takes you to a hotel and often you have to pay the bill. You are not behaving as a wise woman at all. This man does not have good intentions towards you. You don't know much about him. You have not gone to where he lives and you don't know his relatives. You are the one pursuing him and he will continue to use you because he has come to realise that you are a simple woman. To him you are not "marriage material," so to speak. The man has his woman. He has told you a lot of lies and you believe him.

You talk about your childhood sweetheart who is now asking you to marry him. How can you be sure that he too is not planning to use you too? I suggest, therefore, that you encourage this man to go with you to see a family counsellor before you make up your mind whether or not you should marry him. In the mean time, end the relationship with your co-worker.

Pastor