Dear Pastor,

This is the first time that I am writing to you, but I called you some months ago and told you about the double life my wife is living. When I met her, I thought that I had met a lady. First of all, when I met her and I tried to have sex with her, she told me that she was scared because she had never had sex before and she was a virgin. It took me three months to get her to agree to go to bed with me. That was the longest period I have ever waited to have sex with a girl.

I have had sex with girls the same night after meeting them, but I always wanted to take a girl's maiden. So when this woman told me that she was a virgin, I was patient. When we finally had sex, I realised that she didn't bleed, not even a drop of blood. And she was not even as tight as some of the women that I had sex with. I didn't say anything, but she admitted to me afterwards that she had lied about being a virgin because she didn't want to have sex with me too soon. I forgave her because I was in love with her.

her cousin's child

We got married and both of us got baptised and it was after we were in the church she told me that she had a child but her sister had him. Her sister took the child when he was a baby. She was 17 years old when she got pregnant, so the child really belongs to the sister. From that time, I can't trust her. I don't believe anything she tells me. The father of the child is one of her cousins.

Pastor, I stopped going to church because I can't dress up and drive in the same car with her and see her carry on in church when I know she is such a deceiver. I haven't said a word to anybody in the church. Sometimes when I see the members and they ask me why I am not coming to church, I tell them I will soon come.

We don't have any children together. I have children with two different women and I never lied about them. She knows my children and they even call her aunty. I told my wife everything about myself. I put her name in the biggest account I have and this is what she has done to me. My feelings for her are gone and I will never trust another woman.

Please give me your advice.

T.W.

Dear T.W.,

Your wife has deceived you indeed, and I can understand why you have lost trust in women. She lied about being a virgin and you forgave her. Many women lie about that. Some say they are when they are not. Some say they are not when they are. She admitted after both of you went to bed that she was not a virgin. You forgave her for lying.

Why did she lie about giving birth? That was a very silly thing to do. You told her about your children. She should have told you that she had a child. You thought that you were marrying a woman who had never had a child. Was she too ashamed to tell you that she became pregnant at 17, or did she not tell you because the person who impregnated her was a relative? Whatever her reason might be, you had the right to know the truth.

The question is: Can you ever forgive this woman? Both of you are in church (although you do not go as often now) and you intended to have a happy home with the woman you have married. Now the matter of trust is an issue. I don't want to tell you to leave your wife. What I am going to suggest is that both of you go to see a family counsellor for professional help. Your wife is a liar. She has a weakness of character. Whatever reasons she may give you now for her behaviour are not good enough. It would take much grace on your part to forgive her and to show her love, but it can be done.

A Christian family counsellor should be able to help you. You should do your best not to abuse her in any way - in words or by your attitude towards her. Remember that she is still your wife and you should always endeavour to be tender and loving to her. I know it is hard, but please try.

Pastor