Dear Pastor,

I am 37 and having a problem. My babyfather and I have been along for five years. My cousin came to stay with us for three months. She is 20. She was helping me with my baby because I lost my helper. She was very helpful. She cooked and cleaned and kept the baby clean also. I did not know that she and my babyfather were having an affair because whenever my babyfather was at home she would stay out of our way and just listen to her music. Sometimes she would go out with friends.

One day she told me that she wanted to go home to the country. I told her that she should stay with us and after the baby starts to attend school, I will help her to find a job. But she insisted that she wanted to go home. I told my boyfriend that she wanted to leave and he said that I should allow her to go. He gave her $2,000, so I asked him why is he giving her so much and I had already given her money. He did not answer.

Two weeks after she left I got a call from her saying that she is pregnant for my boyfriend and she didn't know how to tell me and that is why she left. I could not say a word. My heart began to pound. I called her back and asked her to explain how that happened. She said sometimes during the day my boyfriend would come home and bring her lunch and have sex with her and one day when they were having sex the condom burst.

never cheated

I told her to have an abortion. She told her mother what I said and her mother called me and cursed me. My boyfriend told me that all what she is saying is a lie because it is not he who got her pregnant, it is our neighbour's son who got her pregnant. I know she likes the guy, but I don't talk to them so I haven't asked him anything. My boyfriend talks to him and the guy said that if the child is really his he would mind it.

I don't believe that the child belongs to my neighbour. I believe that it is my boyfriend who got her pregnant. Since we are together, this is the second time he is getting girls pregnant. The first time he wanted me to take the baby, but I refused so the girl gave the baby away. Right now I am confused. I don't even want to have sex with him. I have never cheated on him but I am thinking about it now. I have a visa and I am thinking about going away and don't come back. I have a friend up there and he is encouraging me to come. The only problem with that is that he is married.

L.T.

Dear L.T.,

You know your man. You know that he is guilty. He is responsible for getting your cousin pregnant. He is lying but she got to love him and evidently enjoyed the sex with him. If she did not consent and felt that he was harassing her, she would have reported it to you. She was only willing to go when she realised that something was wrong. I would not be surprised if he told your neighbour to take responsibility for her pregnancy to prevent you from leaving him.

You should know that you were wrong to encourage her to terminate the pregnancy. She should be encouraged to have her baby and you should insist that your man stand up to his responsibility and support the child. Tell him that if he does not believe that the child is his, after the baby is born, a paternity test should be done.

If you do not wish to stay with this man, no one should condemn you for moving on. However, you should not do anything that is illegal. It would be unwise to go to the United States and work there if you do not have a work permit. And you should not go and expect the married man to put you up and to take care of you. You may go up there and put the man into big trouble with his family.

Perhaps what you should consider doing if you are leaving this man is to rent an apartment and live on your own.

Pastor