Dear Pastor,

I have a pressing problem and I am wondering if you can help me it. I am 22. I have nine CSEC subjects and a college graduated at the top of my class. I am now at a university studying.

Despite these accomplishments, I find myself being very lonely. I have been told, time and time again, how pretty, cute I am, and sexy I am. I just don't understand why I can't find a guy who meets my expectations.

Every time I meet a guy, I always see right through him. Everybody wants to have, "nuff gyal inna bungle". Sometimes I end up giving them the benefit of the doubt and they always prove me right.

I don't dress skimpily or anything like that, but when men look at me all they see is sex. I know I'm young and a guy who I like, and who is genuine, may come my way sooner or later, but for the past three years I just feel lonely. I very much hate the fact that I use men to fill the gap of loneliness.

I thought about surrounding myself with friends but I do not have many. While growing up I had to stay inside my home all the time. The only time I was allowed to go outside was when my parents were carrying me out or when I was going to school. It was forbidden to talk to the neighbours' children because of fear that they would influence me wrongly. The first time I went out on my own was when I was 18. I hated it at the time but I thank my parents now.

Anyway, the way I was brought up is still instilled in me and, for that reason, I don't keep friends where I live. All my friends are from school and they all live elsewhere. I don't go out as much with them because most times they are low on funds. I do manage my time well when it comes to course work, but when I'm not with friends, and I'm not doing any work, I just feel so alone.

always disappointed

I just want to feel wanted, not just for my body but for everything that comes with it. During the Christmas holiday, I felt so lonely. I'm tired of feeling this way. I don't want to use men anymore to try and fill this gap. Whenever I do that I'm always disappointed and filled with regrets. I cry sometimes about the things that I do to feel wanted, but I have stopped. I followed some of my friends' advice and just date guys for what they can give me.

Within this year, I have dated a radiation therapist, an optical manager, a hotel assistant manager, an accountant manager, an operation manager, a supervisor, a prominent employee at the U.S. Embassy and the last one was a politician.

My girlfriends were amazed that I kept on meeting these guys, one after the other. I was never a material girl and as soon as I realised that I was not getting the attention I wanted, I called it off despite the gifts and the money. It always last for little over a month and my girlfriends always share their disappointments with me. I wasn't sure about the rest, but I knew for a fact that the politician was married and I still went ahead and had sex with him.

'society men'

These were things I would never have done in the past. I feel as though I am not the same person anymore. I have become demoralised. My mother is my best friend but I think she has fallen short because she knew about these guys and encouraged me.

She boasted to her friends about the "society men" that I dated. I believe despite the compliments that I get on my appearance, and that I'm currently maintaining an A average at school, I have low self-esteem.

My daddy expressed how proud he is of my academic achievements last night and I just felt bad about how I have been living this year.

I usually buy my own condoms and carry them with me in my purse. Though I usually have sex with these guys three weeks after meeting them, I still feel cheap and ashamed. One of the time I caught myself crying during sex with one of the guys because I felt so bad. I knew better and will do better now.

I desperately need your advice on what to do about my unwanted feelings of forlornness. I need serious help with my self-esteem issue. I tried working on it on my own but to no avail. I want to be the girl I was before, who upheld a high esteem and virtue.

Thanks in advance for your advice. I await your response.

B.

Dear B.,

Everyone experiences the feeling of loneliness from time to time. One can be with family members and feel very lonely. On the other hand, one can be living alone and not feel lonely all the time.

Unfortunately, you have not learned how to cope with loneliness. You have allowed some of your friends to lead you astray. Undoubtedly, you are a very beautiful woman and grew up in a stable home. Your parents did their very best to protect you. You need to be proud of them. They should not be blamed for the life you are living now.

Your case seems to be deeper than just loneliness. Perhaps you are experiencing depression. Research has shown that depression and loneliness often go together. Research has also linked loneliness and depression with poorer health and well-being. That means people who are experiencing loneliness are susceptible to a variety of health issues.

Having read your letter carefully, I believe your problems go much deeper than just loneliness. For example, how could you be comfortable going to bed with so many men and not know much about their background?

You have not even asked them whether they were married. That kind of behaviour is not normal. After these men have had sex with you for a while, you change them.

So, you are moving from one man to another and developing a very bad reputation because these men will talk. They will see you as cheap woman, sharing your body with them and collecting their money. That is the behaviour of a prostitute.

I know you don't see yourself as a prostitute, but that is the way prostitutes behave. They don't care whether their clients are single or married. They are just interested in their money. So, I repeat, your problem goes way beyond loneliness.

Therefore, I suggest you make an appointment immediately to see a psychologist. In the meantime, I want you to spend some time in prayer. Read your Bible. Join a youth group in a church. Go out in groups. If you are living alone, share your apartment with a female friend you can trust.

When you are feeling depressed, call someone who is much older than you, a teacher, pastor's wife, etc.. and talk. Learn to appreciate yourself and give God thanks for blessing you with good parents.

Pastor