Dear Pastor,

Keep up the good work. I am 35 years old and I am finding it difficult to trust women. I got married when I was 29 years old to a woman who said she was in love with me. I knew I was in love with her, but from what she did to me I knew that she was not telling me the truth. Both of us were in church. She was more active than I. We have two children and she used to sing on the choir.

Many times I used to stay home and take care of the children while she went to choir practice. She didn't drive, so sometimes different people would take her home. Then I found it strange that only men would take her home, especially the choir director. I didn't question it, but one night about an hour after she came home, I heard her whispering to somebody on her phone. I asked her who was the person and she told me it was the choir director. I asked her why she was whispering and she said nothing.

whispering on the phone

I wasn't satisfied, so one Sunday I asked the choir director why is it that he is always taking her home. And I told him that I heard her whispering on the phone and she said that she was talking to him. He started to stutter and couldn't give me a good reason, so I stopped her from going to choir practice. And that caused a big fuss between us, and even the pastor got involved and tried to help us.

Some of the choir members told me that they suspected my wife and the choir director had something going between them but they didn't have any proof. This man's wife accused me of spreading rumour on her husband. I am not saying that the both of them had sex, but I would not be surprised judging from her reaction. She has been threatening to leave me and to leave the church because she is embarrassed by what I did.

Please tell me whether you believe that I made a mistake by talking to her about the choir director and by telling her to get off the choir. I want to hear from you, so don't have me waiting too long.

N.T.

Dear N.T.,

Your wife caused you to be suspicious of her and the choir director. And you had a right to ask whether there was something intimate between the both of them. Why was she talking softly to him on the phone? Why was he taking her home so often?

Some people may say that you were wrong in confronting him, but you did so to try to save your marriage and your wife should understand that. Perhaps now that everything is in the open and members have told you that they too had concerns, and she has not been on the choir for a while, you should approach the pastor and ask him to encourage her to rejoin the choir.

Whether or not she was having an affair with the choir director, she does not need to leave the church if the matter is settled.

Pastor