I am having a problem. I'm married but my wife does not want me to have any female friends. She helped me to come to America and I am grateful, but I feel so trapped in this relationship. She is white and whenever anyone calls me she questions me about it. She times me on the phone, and if I stay on the road too long she wants to find out where I am. Even at church she does not want me to talk to any women, she stares at me and makes me feel uncomfortable.

She told me that she is not going to make me come to America and allow any woman to take me. She was married and one of her girlfriends slept with her husband and he left her for her friend.

I started working recently, and if I am late in getting home it is a fuss. Sometimes I am tempted to walk out on her. I feel I need a break. She is a nice person but she is miserable. The only woman I think she trusts me with is my mother, and she doesn't have any reason to be afraid that I will keep another woman with her. Because of the way she is I don't even joke with other women when she is around. She is five years older than I am, and I feel that is part of the problem. She talks about that all the time.

I am living in her house and sometimes when she talks, she is really telling me that if I don't want to do what she is telling me to do I cannot stay there. Sometimes I want to go out to have a drink with my friends, but she does not want me to go. It is like she wants to rule me every step of the way. I don't know what to do; I would like to hear your advice?

B. S.

Dear BS

You are having a boring relationship with a wife who feels she has the right to push you around. She is insecure and she needs therapy. She is not even aware that she is driving you away. What happened between herself and her former husband and girlfriend has nothing to do with you. Everybody needs space and she is not giving you space. Some marriages break-up because some husbands think they should watch their women and every time they go out they accuse them of cheating, and some women do the same to their men. Some men, like you, feel trapped in their relationship. But when a relationship is solid and the man does not feel insecure, neither does the woman, the relationship grows.

Your wife wants a slave. She does not want a lover. One tells a slave what to do, but one does not have to tell a lover what to do. A lover does things naturally and spontaneously.

This woman is always talking about what happened in the past. She can't change what has happened, but she can surely learn how to trust you. I think the time has come for you to tell her that if she continues to make you feel unhappy, you will leave her and that you mean what you say. So, she should cut the 'crap.'

Pastor