Dear Pastor,

I have been with this wonderful individual for five years. He is wonderful in every sense of the word and is mostly what I was looking for in a person. He is a Rastafarian. Over the years, I find only one serious flaw with him. He is insecure with me around other men. I have never given him a reason not to trust me, but I surmise after this length of time that he is a bit detached at times in that he does not speak a lot. He keeps most things inside.

He gets seriously ruffled by seeing me with someone else, talking with someone else or when I work late. I would love for our relationship to have a level of closeness where he does not feel the need to be guarded. He went through some terrible trauma when his mother was murdered in their house, and had a breakdown that landed him in a mental hospital (his description, is that his lowest moment in his life where only eating from garbage would be the next tier). I think this is the reason why he is a bit detached.

I know I love him because the sex was terrible for the first two years. We worked on it and I recognised that he was loyal to a fault. I looked for a long time for this so I worked with him. The sex is great now. The only problem that I am having with him now is that sometimes he does not understand the degree of touch and it can hurt when he caresses (a bit rough). How can I improve these areas?

D.H.

Dear D.H.,

I believe you mean well but you need to understand that your boyfriend needs professional help. He does not trust you. It is not something to take lightly. Unless he gets professional help, he is going to continue to feel threatened whenever he sees you talking to other men. You are not in a position to give him the help he needs. Therefore, you need to tell him he should seek the help of a psychologist.

Do not take what I have said lightly. This relationship will blow up unless your man changes radically. He has to come to realise that you are an individual and that you must have friends. Having male friends does not mean that you are going to bed with them.

His behaviour is immature. All this talk about sex means nothing if his attitude towards you is wrong.

Pastor