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Dear Pastor,
I am a 50-year-old woman with a problem that I want to discuss with you. I am married for 25 years. When I got married, I was two months pregnant, but the child that I was carrying was not for the man I got married to. I wasn't sure that the child was his. I was having sex with another man and at the same time I was having sex with the man who married me. The other guy never used to discharge in me, so when I found myself pregnant, I didn't think that he was responsible. The man who got married to me always discharged in me and never used a condom, so I felt sure that he got me pregnant.
After I had the baby, I didn't even think of anything. My husband and I were very happy. As my daughter got older, she did not look to me as my husband's child. And one day my mother asked me how comes she resembles so much the other man and his people. I told her I did not know, but she told me that I can't fool her, I must know. And the conversation ended there. I never said a word to anybody.
My daughter was quite attached to her father, but she is the 'dead stamp' of the other man. And the other man wrote me a letter and told me that he would like to do something for his daughter, because he knows that I was trying to protect my marriage so I didn't say anything, but I owe it to my daughter to tell her the truth.
I have two other children, but her real father doesn't have any more. Pastor, my husband and I get along very well. He is a Christian and a deacon in his church and I don't think he would forgive me for deceiving him. I didn't mean to deceive him, but as a young woman growing up, I used to like to have sex and my boyfriend was working out of the parish so this other man who used to live in the yard I was living used to have sex with me but nobody knew.
I am very worried and I don't know what to do, so please help me.
N.C., Kingston
Dear N.C.,
Let me begin by telling you that I cannot tell you whether or not you should tell your husband that he is not the biological father of your first child. Whether or not you should tell him is a decision that you have to make on your own. Right now, there are those who suspect that your husband is not your daughter's biological father. But your husband has accepted her as his child and they are very close. He has never had reasons to question you about it. And about twenty-five years have passed. Is it wise to tell him now?
If you were to tell him, would it strengthen the relationship or would it destroy the relationship? If you were to tell him, would your daughter love you more or hate you? She knows one father, and he is your husband. How would your other children relate to your first child?
As I said before, I wouldn't tell you whether or not you should tell your husband he is not the biological father of your daughter. But if you do decide to tell him, prepare for the worst. What I am prepared to tell you is to tell her biological father to stay as far as he can from your family. I know some people would say that you should tell your husband everything, while others would say, "let sleeping dogs lie".
Pastor
