Dear Pastor,

I got married when I was 23 to a man I did not love. Because of need, I went to bed with him and I got pregnant. I was going to church and when I got pregnant, he offered to marry me and I agreed. I told my mother I didn't love him. But she said I should still marry him because when she met my father she didn't love him either but she grew to love him.

My father died when I was in my early teens and my mother struggled to bring us up without another man in her life. I have two other sisters and a brother. My mother said she didn't want another man because she didn't want any man to interfere with us girls.

After I married this man, he changed. He doesn't give me much money and I found out that he had other women. One day, a girl came looking for my husband with a baby in her arm. She told me my husband got her pregnant and lied to her. He did not tell her that he was married, but she found out where he live. I invited her in because I didn't want the other tenants to hear what she was saying. She told me everything, gave me her address and her number. We talked, woman to woman, and I told her I would help her support the baby.

This poor girl wasn't working so I gave her some of the things I bought for my baby. When my husband came home and I told him that the girl was here, he started to curse. He said that he didn't know what I was talking about. I called the girl on her cell phone and handed my phone to him but he wouldn't talk to her.

Sometimes I have no money in the house, not even to make breakfast. So I always have to beg my mother for a hand of banana and cook it with butter. If my mother wasn't living close, sometimes I wouldn't eat dinner. My mother told me that she is sorry that she encouraged me to marry to him. I am being disrespect from him because I have stopped having sex with him. He said I am keeping another man with him. I told him if I was keeping another man with him, I would have had money. I reminded him that when we had sex and I got pregnant, he gave me $3,000 so that money couldn't last until now.

Pastor, I have not made any progress with this man. He has never even bought me an underwear. I want to leave him and go abroad. I hate him.

T.E., St. Ann

Dear T.E.,

People should never get married unless they are in love. And even when they believe they are in love, they should try and receive premarital counselling before they tie the knot because love is not the only criteria for marriage. A couple should take into consideration each other's background, educational standard, financial position, including debt, religious affiliation, etc.

It seems to me you were broke and this man paid you for sex. You sold yourself for $3,000. After you became pregnant, he offered to marry you and your mother encouraged you to accept the proposal. You know for sure you didn't love him, perhaps, he didn't love you either. He married you so as not to make people in the church feel you were fornicating.

This man was never committed to you. He hasn't behaved as if he knows anything about family life. He has been playing around with other women and has not been looking after his own home.

I congratulate you for offering to assist the young woman who showed up at your house with your husband's child. You don't have much, but yet you are willing to share the little that you have. Your husband should wash your feet and drink the water, because you have saved him much embarrassment. And if he does not come to his senses and support that child, she may take him to court for maintenance.

I know you are thinking about leaving this man, but may I ask you to make an effort to go with you to see a family counsellor. I know you don't love him, but it is still my responsibility to encourage you to seek professional help before you make your final decision as to whether you should stay with him or leave.

Pastor