Dear Pastor,

I am about to send this letter to my mother but I want your opinion first.

Patsy, that is what I know you as. I don't know your age. I think your birthday is in December. I know your full name. That is all I know about you.

I would really like to know what was it like for you growing up as a little girl? For me growing up as a little girl, I have more bad memories than good. I never felt loved as a child, I did not know how to express myself, so for me growing up without a mother or father has had a profound effect on me as an adult.

First, I started having sex, way too early, at 15, and the first relationship I had was very abusive, right up until I got pregnant, at 17. I had my son at 18. From the day I got pregnant, throughout the nine months, I disconnected myself mentally, physically and emotionally from my unborn child, and when he was born it got worse.

When my grandmother (may her soul rest in peace) found out I was pregnant, she told me I had to leave. I ended up at my babyfather's house until the baby was born, then I had to leave there. I remember when I was eight months pregnant, my father and I had a big fight. He kicked me like a dog. If I had the money when I found out that I was pregnant, I would have had an abortion.

I hated the father of the child. Then I had to move to his sister's house. I had to leave there also and I went to live with one of my aunts for a short period, then she also threw me out. I ended up in May Pen with a total stranger. I was a damaged, unloved, abused child with a baby. How could I have loved a child under those circumstances? I had no one I could talk to.

No one took the time to help me, not one family member. I was left outside in the dark with no support. I felt no emotions towards my son to this day.

Then I met a cousin. I was so happy to meet a family and to live with one, but little did I know what was ahead. When I met her, I was very naïve, weak and even more damaged, so I thought living with her would bring some kind of peace and stability to my life. I was working at a hair salon. Her man picked me up from work and I was wearing a skirt. He took me in his room and raped me. From that day on he took me as his sex slave. He would wake me up sometimes and force me to have sex with him at nights, even when my cousin was in the bed sleeping. He would pull me in the bathroom, while she was sleeping in her room. He used to beat her until she was unconscious. I was very scared of that man.

I got an opportunity to go to London. All I could think about was leaving that place forever. My cousin and her man planned to give me drugs to carry to London. All I can remember on the 7th of September 1997 was that she asked me to take a bag, and if they ask at the airport who packs the bag I should tell them I did. It was a Sunday. I remembered going down on my knees. I prayed and I cried. I said "God, whatever happens I do not want to come back to this house and be with these people".

Patsy, I had to pay you to give me my birth certificate. You never even said hello to my second child. All you ever talk about is money. I am trying to connect and love my firstborn. I want to change. I am breaking the cycle. I have broken the cycle with my daughter and my last son and I want to have a relationship with my firstborn.

Patsy you decide what you do with this letter. You can make it a problem, or the solution. We cannot change the past, but we can make the present, and future, better, especially for your grandchildren.

I don't hate you or love you, I just acknowledge you brought me into this world, that's all. I now feel free.

I am moving away and on with my life. I have two young children to take care of and I want to do it pain free.

I wish you nothing, but peace.

M.,

Dear M.,

You cannot handle this matter on your own. You need the help of the Holy Spirit in your life. You are trying but the mistake you are making is that you have not yet forgiven your mother and all those who have hurt you. Only the Holy Spirit in your life will help you to forgive.

Therefore, I am asking you to embrace Christ as your Saviour and Lord and he will remove the hate from your heart and grant you peace. You are a good woman and you have my prayers. Find comfort in reading the gospel of John.

Pastor