Dear Pastor,

I enjoy reading your column. I have been reading it for the past three years. I must say your column is spontaneous and I love your advice, even though sometimes you are a little harsh, but they are always truthful and without bias.

I am a 24-year-old woman and I am married to a man who is 13 years my senior. I have a big problem with him. We have been together for two and a half years and married for five months. However, he has not been treating me well for the last seven months.

no good

People in the community and my friends told me not to marry him because he is no good. He only treats women well first. When he is tired of them, or if he finds someone new, he will disrespect them for that new woman, but I didn't listen. I thought they were just jealous and didn't want to see me happy.

I even told my father about him. He didn't like my husband, and told me not to marry him but I defied my dad and told him I was a big girl, and he should allow me to make my own decisions. I went ahead and married this man just after two years of knowing him.

To be honest, the first year was good. He gave me everything I wanted. He even took care of my son (not his child). He used to take me out, make me laugh and all those nice things.

A month before our wedding, a friend told me he was cheating. I asked him about it and he denied it. I didn't believe him but I let it pass. Anyway, three weeks after our wedding he started staying out late. I asked him where he was and he would say, "outside, talking with friends". I said ok, then the staying out late started to become later and later, until he started staying out until early mornings.

cheating

I couldn't take it anymore, because people in the community started talking and whispering when they saw me on the street. One day I asked him about the girl that I heard he was cheating with, and he finally admitted, it. I broke down in tears to find out that all along he was cheating with the girl before we got married, and he was denying it. He even invited the girl to our wedding. I was so devastated about the whole situation.

I forgave him because he said he was going to change and things would get better. To be honest, instead of things getting better, it got worse. He started sleeping at the girl's house three to four times per week. When I asked him why he was doing this to me, and if he doesn't love me, he said he is not doing it to hurt me and he loves me.

he is unhappy

One day when we were reasoning, he told me he has deep feelings for the girl. I asked him if he loves her and he said yes he loves her. We were arguing about a text I found in his phone that she had sent him. I text her and told her all sorts of things and that she must stay away from my husband. He got mad and called her and gave her my number to call me and text me and tell me all sorts of nasty words. I was so shocked to know my husband could be such a dreadful man. He even went as far as to tell me to leave and he was not happy with me, and he was happy before we got together but since we got together he is unhappy.

I have come to know that what the people in the community were telling me was true. He disrespects me so many times over and over. I can't take it anymore. I am a young woman and I am independent. I can make it without him.

Please, tell me what to do.

Confused Girl,

Dear Confused Girl,

I have often cautioned young women not to ignore the advice of their parents, particularly their fathers. Fathers are men and often they can see the cunning devices of young men who are interested in their daughters. They know if they are genuine and when they are not genuine, but many young men tell these young women that their fathers don't like them and they want them to stay at home and turn old maids. You rejected the advice of your father and you got married to a man who everybody knew was not a good man. Now you have found out your mistake.

This relationship is dead as a door nail. This man has already told you he is not happy with you. However, if you believe a miracle can take place, you may suggest you should go to see a family counsellor before a final decision is made.

Pastor