Dear Pastor,

I am 23 years old and I am in a relationship with a man who is 24. When I first met him, he was engaged to be married but he and his fiancée broke up after he accused her of having sex with one of his friends. This girl said she slept at his friend's house but she did not sleep with him and the only reason why she slept at his friend's house was because she lives in the country and he was staying at his friend's house. And when she came to see him, she went straight there and waited for him and it got very late and she did not know what to do, so she slept there.

He said that knowing his friend, he doesn't believe that he didn't have sex with her, so they broke up. He and his friend almost had a big fight because he accused him of having sex with his fiancée.

everybody respects me

The relationship with both of us started out well. He was very attentive and caring. He introduced me to his relatives and his sisters and we all became friends. Now, I am confused, and I don't know what to do because I am three months pregnant and I am going to church and everybody at the church respects me. So, I wanted to get married before I have the baby.

I have been appealing to him for us to get married from the time I realised that I am pregnant to save me the embarrassment. But he said that he will marry me after the baby is born and he is sure that he is the father. Pastor, when he said that to me, I felt so insulted because I didn't believe that he would think that I would cheat on him.

Since I am pregnant, I have been staying away from church because I don't know how to face the members, especially the young girls in my Sunday-school class.

Pastor, do you have any suggestions that you can give to me?

F.W., St Andrew

Dear F.W.,

I am sorry to hear that this guy is refusing to marry you and has given you the impression that you might have cheated on him. He does not trust any woman at all. He accused the young woman with whom he was engaged of cheating. And now he is saying to you that it is likely that you have cheated too, and he might not be responsible for the child you are carrying.

Whether he knows it or not, he has insulted you and has made it clear that he does not trust you.

carry your pregnancy

You cannot hide your pregnancy for long. And although you feel that you have let down everybody, especially your church folks, carry your pregnancy. But don't put too much confidence in this man, because if he cannot trust you now, he will not trust you even after both of you are married.

I further suggest that you go and talk to the pastor of this church. Let him know what has happened. It is better for you to tell him before the entire congregation hears about it and begins to 'suss'. You may ask your pastor to meet with both of you for counselling sessions.

Hang on in there. Don't beg this man to marry you. And make sure that you do not give him the impression that you cannot do without him. A good relationship is based on good communication, respect, trust and love. Most people think that it is only love, but that is not true at all.

Pastor