Dear Pastor,

I am living in Barbados and I need your advice. For the past five years I have been involved with a wonderful, caring and extremely generous man. I am not married to him and each day since last month I give thanks that I never did.

You see, pastor, my treasure was giving me 'bun', coming and going. I suspected there were others and he denied all of them. I was in denial and chose not to acknowledge what was happening. I consider myself an independent woman studying for my degree. I never had to depend on him. I loved him and I never wanted his money. The only thing I desired was him.

a document

One day I stayed at his home to complete an assignment. We slept together, but we did not live together. That day, my laptop was taking unusually long to boot up, so in frustration I decided to use his PC. I deleted the wrong document draft so in restoring the document from his PC's recycle bin, I saw a document with a woman's name attached to it. I restored it and read it. Pastor, to my surprise he was having a relationship with another university student from Jamaica.

She apparently accused him of abusing and raping her sometime back and he has a court case for raping this young lady. A friend asked me one night why I am still with that rapist. I didn't have a clue then.

Reasonable response

One night while we were on our way to a club, I mentioned it and he said she doesn't have a case against him. She wanted to get to him and when he turned her down she claimed he raped her. We discussed it and the answer he gave me suggested that she was just out to get him. Reasonable response I thought, seeing that he was in the media. That being the case, I really didn't let it worry me. I found a statement he sent to his lawyer regarding their relationship. I searched the whole place, went through his personal papers and found the document issued by the court. I saved copies of his statement on my laptop.

Pastor, I cried and cried. I didn't even go to school that day. When he came home, I spoke to him. He wanted to know what I found out from my friend. I didn't tell him because I did not want my friend to get involved and he would tell his lawyer about my informant.

only partner

We were trying for a child and according to his document, she claimed she was pregnant, and my friend told me she was even before I saw the document. He also told me she was seeing someone else. That too was confirmed in his statement. I thought I knew him.

He was my only partner in a culture where having swing partners, sugar daddies and multiple sex partners is acceptable.

He knew how much I cherish my body and self-respect. Up to this moment I am filled with anger in my heart and tears running down my cheeks so much. I should have killed him there and then for what he did to me. With so much AIDS and STDs out there, how could he commit me to death in such a way?

reputation

Sometimes I say to myself that I would give the document to a journalist friend so that his precious reputation is destroyed. But the truth is, I love him.

You know, when I think of it, I can write a book. I work full-time and I go to school from five-nine; sometimes with assignments and projects it gets hectic and I am at it until daybreak.

I would usually text or call his cell to see if he was home ok. I never called his landline to see if he was really there. I have concluded without doubt that you can never know anyone. So why take the time.

K., Barbados

Dear K.,

I hope that by now the court case has come to an end. And I also hope that by now you have moved on. Perhaps you have been too trusting. On the other hand, much of what you have alleged about this man came to your knowledge from searching and from friends. It would have been better if this man had told you the truth from the time you started dating each other. Always remember that life is not fair.

Pastor