Dear Pastor,

I have always sought your advice ever since I was a teenager and having trivial teenage drama problems. You always gave me sound advice. Now I am here seeking your advice again.

I am now a young adult completing my degree in teaching. When I was 14 I got into a relationship with a 17-year-old guy. He was from another country, but we always spoke over the telephone and online.

We grew closer over a period of time and he came to my country (USA) to study. We ended up having a relationship for over three years. After his first year in the country, I began to notice a change of attitude towards me and my family. I was a Christian but he was not, even though he was raised in a Christian home.

He promised me he would wait on me until I was ready. He lied. You warned me and told me to leave him when I was much younger. I thought I was in love. He hurt me so badly. Without having sex with him, I felt as though I was tied to him emotionally and spiritually. I felt like we had experienced intimacy that sex would not have given us.

Years after, he remained in my country to further his studies. We became friends, but he always messed up the friendship by cursing me out, trying to degrade me, telling me hurtful things and bragging about his other woman. I never got into a relationship since breaking up with this young man.

I cried for two years. I missed him and prayed someday he will be outside my doors begging for my forgiveness. One day he called, just to say hi. That made me wonder if he was coming around. He was my first love. And even though I told myself I would never want someone like him, who bad-talks women and is a jerk, I missed the old him - the one I knew and fell in love with. Now he's all about the women and partying at university.

I am now seeing another young man. He is the total opposite of my ex-boyfriend. He makes me happy and we have been dating for some time now. He and I have been making plans for the future. He is not wealthy or as qualified as my ex-boyfriend. He is a family guy, responsible and respectful.

My problem is, I am afraid of not loving him like I know I am capable of. This seems like a stable and mature relationship. We are both still virgins and are in our 20s. He is two years older than I am. Do you believe I will grow to love him more? Will I ever fully get over my ex? Am I stupid for having feelings for someone who hurt me?

I still maintain a good relationship with my ex's family. His father calls me his "forever number one". Should I sever ties with his family? My fiancée's family loves me and my family loves him also. I am feeling so confused and guilty because I wouldn't want to be the bad apple in my present relationship.

I love my hubby. We are in the church and are holding on to our Saviour. There is a future in this, I believe. I just know I can love him more. I want to be able to love him more.

I await your response and I have chosen to make this public so that it might help others who may be going through a similar situation. God bless you!

K.P., U.S.A

Dear K.P.,

It does not appear to me you have learnt from your mistake. When you were going with your first boyfriend, he showed you, by his behaviour, that both of you were not compatible. But you continued blindly in the relationship. And now the relationship has ended, you are still moping over him.

You prefer this young man over your new boyfriend. That is unfortunate. Your new boyfriend is a Christian and a gentleman. Both of you are endeavouring to serve the Lord. Why not learn to appreciate him?

On the other hand, if you know you don't love him, you should tell him and move on.

Pastor