March 26, 2010
Star Tell Me Pastor


 

 

Mixed signals

Dear Pastor

I have many things that are of great concern to me. Firstly, I am a Christian, but have not been living the life the Lord requires of me. I am losing my way which I think is the root cause of my problems.

I have had a girlfriend for over three years and there have been great times. I am no longer happy with her. I know I am not perfect but she mistreats me without her even knowing and that's just not something you do when you proclaim to love someone. The most recent argument we had occurred because she became upset and began speaking disrespectfully to me because I would not perform oral sex on her.

ex-boyfriends

Whenever she is upset for whatever reason, she would take it out on me. She literally 'curses me out' for no reason and I am always left trying to calm her. I also don't like the fact that she makes it obvious that she doesn't like doing things for me.

At the beginning of our relationship she would make it her duty to constantly tell me that she would not stop talking to her ex-boyfriends as if it were important that she continued to communicate with them. She even admitted to me that she is still in love with one of them. This has been happening from the day we became involved.

Fed up, I decided to break up with her. This is the third time we have taken a break from each other. We haven't got back together as yet. I feel as if I have been transformed into a new person who is going to protect his own heart since I have come to realise that I cannot depend on someone else to make me happy; my happiness is my own responsibility. She now calls me crying and saying what she thinks I want to hear.

Recently, we were discussing marriage and I was making plans to begin saving towards it. She had a problem with that decision. She refused to begin saving claiming that she had too much financial responsibilities that she had to take care of. I was shocked by her response as she was the one who often spoke of us getting married, saying that we struggled as Christians with abstaining from sex but by getting married, we would have resolved that particular problem. I tried to change her mind, but she refused to budge. Now that we are apart, she wants us to begin saving towards getting married.

completely enraged

Confused by her mixed signals, I became completely enraged at her. I am tired of the situation. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her. I have been a good boyfriend to her, but I don't want to waste any more time knowing that there could be someone better out there for me. I stayed with her because she is a Christian and in the end I want to be with a Christian girl. There is more I could say. Please let me have your opinion on this matter. I believe you can provide some clarity being a Christian and a counsellor. Thank you.

Fed Up

Dear Fed Up,

Both of you appear confused and not ready for a serious relationship. How could you be planning to marry a woman who has confessed to you that she is in love with one of her ex-boyfriends and who is disrespectful to you?

This relationship will not work. Both of you are sexually active and even if you marry her and continue to refuse to have oral sex with her, the relationship will not last. When a spouse is accustomed to having oral sex, that spouse does not give up that practice easily. Never forget that some persons prefer oral sex over coitus.

Nevertheless, I would encourage both of you to make an appointment to see a family counsellor. And when you go for sessions, speak the truth.

Pastor

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