Dear Pastor,

I have a big problem and I need your advice. I am 31 years old and I have three children. I have been married for the past seven months and I have been separated for the past three months. My husband is 25 years old. Let me say this, I love my husband with all my heart and I pray that God will work it out for us. I don't believe in getting divorced. And I believed that what God put together, let no man come between us.

The first time I met my husband was eight years ago. He said I was beautiful and he wanted to marry me someday. I smiled because he was so young. Over the years, every time I would see him, he would tell me the same thing, but I was always in a relationship with someone else.

After my boyfriend of ten years died, I later saw him again and he said the same thing. He said he wanted to marry me but I kept saying, "You are too young." I was in a few relationships but none worked out. I don't know what I was doing wrong, but they just never worked out well. I was also engaged for nine months to a guy, until he cheated and I had to let him go.

I gave in

Then I saw this man again and he told me the same thing, that he loves me and would like to marry me. I visited his home. And he was great with my kids. We became a family. He then asked again that I marry him. So, I gave in and said YES,YES,YES. We ended up moving in together, and that was when things started to get crazy. He started to call me names. He thought that I was cheating on him. I have never cheated on him to this day. Because of this, the wedding was put off. We were always mad at each other, but the love was still here. I thought he behaved that way because he was immature.

I have a good job and a car, but I stayed because I wanted things to work. I was convinced that God had sent him to me after all these years and I knew things were going to get better for us. I felt this way until one day he beat me up so badly for no reason. I ended up stabbing him. I got locked up in jail for two hours. He was ok and I thank God for that. After all that, he still wanted to get married. I was scared now because every one that knows him was mad at me for stabbing him but they didn't know what happened until my mom made him tell them. We did end up getting married. I love this man so much and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

pulled a knife on him

A few months after we got married, I started to look at my life. I was thankful and also grateful that God had blessed me. Things were not perfect, but I convinced myself that we were blessed.

Then he got locked up for pulling a knife on someone. I had to bail him out. After that, things were ok. One weekend, he seemed fine, but on the Monday morning, he told me to get out. I don't know why. I don't know what happened, what changed. I took my kids and I left. Maybe I shouldn't have but I was so sick of him telling me to get out. I was not thinking when I left; I just got up, got my kids and got out of there. I was upset so I didn't talk to him for a few weeks.

I went to church and gave my heart to God. I have always loved the Lord and wanted to be in the church. After that, we ended up talking. He told me that he was very happy for me, but then every day with us back together, it was something else. I have prayed, I have fasted and I have asked God to have His way, but my husband has people telling him all kinds of things. I just don't know anymore. But I do know nothing is too big for God to fix.

Please pray for me and my family. Help me to work out my marriage. Is it beyond repair? What should I do?

Separated.

Dear Separated,

I have observed that you have had a number of relationships before getting married to this man. Evidently, this man and you did not go through pre-marital counselling, although you knew that you were much older and much more experienced. It seems to me that fundamental mistakes were made. This man entered into a ready-made family with a woman who has three children, a good job and a car, etc. You have declared that he doesn't have much. And you call him abusive, and evidently he is.

separated

You have allowed him to beat you up. It should not have got that far. The truth is, madam, both of you should not have got married. Right now both of you are separated, and in my opinion, you should not force the issue to get back together. Not all marriages work. And although some people try to say that because they are Christians, they should try to stay together, some people are better off going their separate ways. You have become a Christian, he has not.

I know some people would be glad to curse me out for saying that not all marriages will work, and it is better to be separated or divorced. Let me just say to such persons, hold your breath, you will never convince me that my position is wrong.

You may try counselling, but please, don't try to force this man to come back to you. He is aggressive and so are you. Both of you like to use the knife on people. Both of you may need to undergo anger management counselling. Yes, counselling can help, but you may do better in life by not being lovers.

Pastor