Dear Pastor,

I have a problem that's eating me. My daughter, age 15, was gang-raped by four boys her age group, a few months ago. To my sad surprise, she wasn't a virgin and she just wanted to have sex with her boyfriend, but the others joined in. Pastor, I have tried my best with this girl. I brought her up the way I was brought up. My mother is a Jamaican and, back in '70s, the scolding of children was very wicked. I kept my virginity, out of fear of my mother, until age 18 when I left her house.

My daughter is very sneaky and untrustworthy. I'm saying this by experience. She was examined by the gynaecologist yesterday and they told her that she is very wide, wide enough to have sex with grown men and she won't feel any pain. Another strange thing, again, is that the first time she had sex, and all the other times, she never bled.

BIG PROBLEM WITH CLEANLINESS

Pastor, I have tried my best to guide and protect her from being used and abused in any form and that's exactly what she says she likes. She has a very big problem with cleanliness also. She doesn't care, at all, if people tell her she smells bad. If you could see the dirt on her body, you would cry for me. She can't seem to learn to be clean and smart and I am deeply saddened. She is seeing a psychiatrist. I have sat her down and talked to her. People have sat her down and talked to her but nothing has changed. The last time we sat and talked, her only words were, "I'm preparing my vengeance, and when it falls a lot of people are going to be hurt". I know she was referring to me. In some of her diaries, she states that she hates me. I have no affection for this child and I know it's wrong. This child must be the devil's work. Please, pray for us.

GRIEVING HEART

My heart is grieving and I can't wait for her to grow up and leave the house because every single day I have to remind her to do this, don't do that, go shower, change your dirty clothes and the list never ends. I am a very tired, broken-hearted and disappointed mother. I am only 40 years and look like 80 because of stress! If she's five minutes late coming from school, I start to worry if she is somewhere giving her body away. I have another daughter, who is 11 years old, and I thank God that she is not like her sister. I know that you are going to tell me off, but, Pastor, everyone that knows her, knows what I'm going through and said they don't know how I manage because they would have put her in a foster home. I get the feeling that she won't make it in life without my guidance and, on the other hand, she doesn't care and she doesn't listen to me. I can't beat her anymore. I can't throw her out. I can't punish her. So, what should I do?

Please, shine some light on us.

Sad Mom,

Dear Sad Mom,

You need counselling for yourself. You are a tough mother. Your daughter was sexually abused by some young men and, instead of empathising and helping her by assuring her that you will stand with her, you are condemning her. Yes, she has made her mistakes but you shouldn't tell the world how dirty she is. You should be ashamed of yourself. No wonder you can't get this young girl to respond in a positive way to anything you say.

She became sexually active at a tender age. You are trying to excuse yourself by saying that you were shocked, hearing certain things from the doctor. To curse her about the size of her vagina will not help the situation. You don't like your daughter and she knows it. You don't show her any love so she is looking around for love in the wrong places.

I can guarantee you that this girl would do better not living with you. You need to board her somewhere with relatives you can trust or with a very responsible female teacher. And, you need to get counselling. No good mother should wish anything bad for their children.

Pastor