DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM? IS SOMETHING BOTHERING YOU? WRITE TO: TELL ME PASTOR, DR. AARON DUMAS, P.O. BOX 188, KING STREET, KINGSTON. FOR PERSONAL REPLIES PLEASE INCLUDE A STAMPED, SELF-DDRESSED ENVELOPE. TELEPHONE: 929-1667/8

Dear Pastor,

Good day to you and thank God for people like you that listen to persons with problems and give caring responses. I am a 28-year-old female living in New Jersey, who met and fell in love with a guy. We've been together for a year-and-a-half now and he does a lot of things that bother me. When we first started dating, he saw me with my friend, who is a male,and thought that something was going on between us. He got mad and said that I hurt him and he can't trust me anymore. Then, a couple months after that I saw a hickie on his neck and asked where he got it from. He told me that it was a bite. I know exactly what I saw, and I'm not stupid but I chose to forgive him because I really loved him.

We decided that we should work on the relationship but at the same time he doesn't want me to talk to my male friend. He said he's going to punch him in his face when he sees him because he disrespected him, and he didn't even have the guts to come up to him and introduce himself that day when he saw us. He said we were acting suspiciously and that is why he doesn't trust us together. Another thing is that he is very controlling. I can't go out without him but he can go out when he feels like. The other night, I got invited by that male friend's sister to a birthday party, and he was saying that if I went there he was going to show up there and if he sees anything suspicious, he is going punch my male friend in his face. So, to avoid any altercation, I told him that I'm not going. Then, later on in the night he called to say that I should go to the party because he is going out. I cursed at him and told him that he was unfair because if he is setting standards it should be for both of us. So he ended up not going out.

I honestly know that he loves me, but I can't take his childish games and his behaviour. I don't want to be controlled and I think this is going to be one of the thing that drives me away from him. At times, I feel so unsure about whether he wants to be with me. But I'm thinking that if he didn't want to have a long-term relationship with me, why introduce me to his mother and father and the rest of his family? We also go to church whenever he is not working on Sundays.

Too demanding

Am I too demanding? What do you think I should do? Is it that I have a good man and I just don't know? Am I just miserable and nagging? Because at times he says I'm nagging him. Is my hunch right that I'm just here for the moment?

Please give your fatherly advice.

A.N., New Jersey, U.S.A.

Dear A.N.,

To be very frank with you, this is not a good relationship. You may not want to accept what I am saying but I'll say it nevertheless. You don't have a good man. He is behaving like an idiot. He is arrogant and self-centred. This relationship will not work. He is too controlling and he does not trust you, period.

On the other hand, I want to ask you this question. What is so special about this male friend that you always have to be with him? I am not saying that you are having an intimate relationship with him. I am not judging you at all. But why do you have to be hanging out with him, all the time? I think that you should keep him as a friend but don't give the impression that you don't care what anybody wants to say because he is just a friend.

Your boyfriend needs to go for counselling to learn how to control his anger. I warn you, end the relationship with him before he hurts you physically. I see red all over this relationship and when ever you see red, it is time to stop.

Pastor