Dear Pastor,
I listen to your show on the Internet. I do not have a computer at home so I can't listen at nights. However, I really enjoy it! I need your advice. I was involved with a Jamaican man. We met over a year ago while he was doing work at my sister's house. The relationship started slowly. I was attracted to him physically, but after a few visits I didn't feel a connection. Even upon feeling this way, I continued to take his calls and enjoyed his company because I was at the time leading a Christian life and have heard all my life that God knows what we need and it may not always be what we want. So with that in mind, I figured this had to work out, just give it time.
He is a contractor and about a month into the relationship he took me with him one night to visit a client and after that we went to a nearby park and walked and talked. When he dropped me off he said that he loved me. I acted as though I didn't hear it and said good night to him. A month or so passed and we had sex. Because of his job, he was always busy and I thought at that point the relationship would have strengthened, but from that point until now it has been like a roller coaster ride. I have put up with him telling me that he has to be very careful about the people he lets into his private life because he has been hurt before.
A couple weekends ago he called me. That was after not hearing from him for a month. He asked why I wasn't calling him anymore. I told him that I didn't see the point in pursuing a man who clearly has no intention of settling down. He said that his mom taught him to get to know people and not to jump into anything too quickly and as far as spending time with me, I knew that the work he does is hard and long. He also said that he'd got a house and that his intentions were for my kids and me to join him. But how was I to know that if he didn't say it? He said I should have said that before. I told him that he should have told me about his plans and that would have given me something to hold on to other than my own hopes. He said that he was very disappointed that it didn't work out and that he's just now going to throw himself completely into his work. He asked me if he can still call the kids and I told him sure.
After all that, I still love him and want to be with him, but in my 31-year-old mind, I knew this was never really a relationship. I grew up in a single parent home but my mother always had a boyfriend or husband and there was never any sort of relationship between these boyfriends and my sister and me. We saw them but never even spoke to them about anything. So I don't actually know how a man is, or really even how to handle one. It seems to me that love is universal and that when one is in love, that person acts like any other person who is also in love.
What am I missing here? I can't help how I feel about him, but I don't want to hold on to something that doesn't exist.
D. W., Florida, USA
Dear D.W.,
The truth is, this man is nothing but a liar. No man can be too busy to find time to spend with the one he loves. This man saw you as an opportunity to befriend and to use in bed. He sensed that you wanted something more and he played his card well. After he got what he wanted, he moved on. He called you to feel you out again. You would be unwise to take his bait. He is not speaking the truth.
You never truly loved him. You had your reservations all along. He is only talking about the house to make you feel you have missed an opportunity. Don't believe a word he says and don't allow him to use your kids to try to get back to you. It is likely he has another woman.
Pastor
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